i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
