Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
