I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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