and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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