i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
