Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize