ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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