cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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