My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
