I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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