New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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