Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
