happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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