textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
