I've ID'd the nipple biter.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
