I just made out with a guy for $7.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
