I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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