I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize