i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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