If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Dear god my vagina.
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