On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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