What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
