hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
