The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
