Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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