I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
