that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
