she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
