dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
When did we convert life to cartoon?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
