legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
