community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
