I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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