Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
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