Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
