so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
