I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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