I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
