I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
