In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
