wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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