i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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