I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
