Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My vagina is officially offended.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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