From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
