You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
