weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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