battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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