Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
