is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
