Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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