He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
