i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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