that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
