At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
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