so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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