Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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