my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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