I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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