I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Randomize
