Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
