i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I love you. Go after that dick
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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