You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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