I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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