On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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