I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
